In brief spurts at random times Dad seems to reach a clarity of mind and speech. Three such especially poignant episodes have occurred recently.
The most heart-rending of these has happened perhaps on 3-4 occasions over the past 3 months. This is when he says “I am so sorry, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do it.” Of course I can’t be completely certain what he is referring to, but my sense is that he is expressing regret for requiring all the time and effort we spend on taking care of him. His voice is very sober, sincere, and heavy when he speaks these words. Of course Mom and I follow by telling him that we all love him, that we are happy to see him each day and want to be a help to him, and that he has no reason to be sorry for anything, because he has been such a help to us. But it is wrenching to hear it.
Second is just his very simple request, plaintively spoken: “Love me.” He said this again to me just last night, when we were sitting on his bed together just prior to tucking him in for the night. And he has said the same to Mom at times. It is so sad to hear those words. My heart winces and I try again to let him know that he is deeply loved, I put my arm around him and give him a kiss on the cheek.
“We do love you , Dad. We love you so much. I just think the world of you and love you with all my heart. You’re the best, and you always will be to me.”
Finally, a more pleasant note. Last week I made a short cake, sugared a ton of fresh strawberries, and made up a big batch of whipped cream. We all sat at the table after dinner to enjoy it, with me feeding Dad in the evening, as is our habit. (I feed him breakfast and dinner, and Mom feeds him lunch). I was careful that he got a right-sized spoonful that combined the cake, strawberries and whipped cream. He ate the first few bites with obvious gusto. Then he said, “I just love this, I love all of it, I just love everything about it.” And he opened his mouth for the next delicious bite.
I had to agree with him–it really was a treat. We all enjoyed in thoroughly. After such a review from Dad, it will be on the menu again soon!